Confessions of an ADDICT

I didn’t choose this. I don’t want this any more than you want this for me. I can’t stop wanting it.

Be kind. Powerlessness is a bitch. Some days are very hard; some are easy. I know you don’t get how it is to be an addict. Like a man can never really understand how it is to be a woman, or a woman can never really know how it is to be a man. The 12 steps saved my life. That’s true. I am full of shame. That’s true too. It doesn’t matter what I’m addicted to — when I get sober, another addiction shows up underneath or beside it. I just like to check out, all the time. Do you? I need help. Sometimes from people, and sometimes from angles. No, I can’t stop wanting. You’re stuck with an addict. I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you. If it makes you feel any better, I hurt myself thousand times more. And sometimes I still do. Yes, I would like to have coffee with you on the weekend so I don’t feel so lonely. I know that you can do my (addiction) without a problem, but I can’t. Try to understand. I know it’s weird and doesn’t make sense to you. So is my addiction. So is my life.

What was missing was love. There was always food, stuff, after-school activities, clothes, video games, trips, restaurants, my own room, and even a pet. I have a Higher Power, and no, it’s not God, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m getting better, but sometimes I’m not. I’m sorry if I ever lied to you. It wasn’t personal, even though I know it was for you. If it helps, I lied to myself for years. Addiction is insanity. Sometimes I feel insane. I’m too ashamed to tell some people. I stopped trying to explain addiction unless they want to know more. Praying helps a lot. I love to pray. I hate feeling powerless. Have you ever been to a meeting? You know that there are addicts all around you. Yes, I would love to go on a hike on Sunday. Sundays are the worst for me. My addiction took away a lot of stuff from my life. That’s hard to live with. Forgiveness is not easy for me. Self-forgiveness is just as hard as staying sober. I’m getting better at both.

I have relapsed. I probably will again at some point in my life. I don’t want to be an addict but it is my journey. What are your issues? Do you ever feel like if you were just three or four inches taller your life would be so different and so much better? That’s how I feel about being an addict. Getting high is the best feeling in the world. But being present in my heart and feeling joy and happiness comes a very, very, very close second. I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel; that’s why I’m still here. I know for a fact I can be happy. Except when I’m not. I wish getting sober made me thinner, but it actually made me gain weight. Do you know there are meetings all over the world? How cool is that? Do you feel your feelings? What do you do when you feel sad? Or pain? I want to run. And not outside. I gotta go, maybe to a meeting. Thanks for listening.